Suicide

Many think it’s a bomb that goes off. It’s not. It doesn’t happen suddenly. There’s no accident. It’s a thought that is fought against. No one wants this. No one wants to end their own life.

This thought is contemplated. Maybe I have something to live for? What do I have to live for? Maybe there is hope. Maybe I just need another day. Is there a sign? I need a sign!

This place is dark. There are no tears. You’ll see a smile and never realize what that person is fighting in their mind. You will probably never know. Until it’s too late.

I pray something clicks. I pray you find your purpose before it’s too late. You have a purpose! Say something to someone…you’re not alone! Stay strong one more day!

Katrina: 14 Years later

It’s 2019. 14 years later. The streets are oblivious to what happened . It may seem like years ago. It’s not for the rest of us. It’s just a nightmare that we lived. The screams haunt us. The cry devastates us. Without having a plan for our kids, we sobbed. We sat there on the roof tops. We prayed for safety. I heard babies crying. I needed to save them. I wanted to save them. The water was too deep. It’s not fair. We tried to stay strong. We had to stay strong.

You see, every year they warn us. This storm will hit us. I’ve been patient. We didn’t have money to run. We didn’t have money for hotels and the luxury to leave every time they told us a storm would be bad. We stayed. We stayed because only 1 time in 20 years an actual storm would hit that really killed anyone. I sat by the window. I waiting for Katrina. I didn’t think it would be like anything I’ve seen before.

That was the most scary thing of life. I wish we would all have had an instinct to run. Instead, we suffered.

Visiting from Nevada, a friend stands in awe of its beauty. Little does he know, 14 years later..I do too!

Failures

You see when you were born, I had it all figured out. You would never feel unloved. You would never feel abandoned. You would never feel alone.

I dreamt of you whenever I was a small child. My only objection in life is to be a good mom to you. I never thought I would fail you.

I sit here ashamed of the times that I should’ve hold my tongue. I’m ashamed of the times that I didn’t hug you when I was supposed to.

There are so many more regrets to come, they’re inevitable. Just know I loved you inevitable as well. I’m Not perfect, but I’ll keep trying to be the best mom for you that I can be.

I promise you, I won’t always be your best friend, but I will always be your safe place. I will never give you an excuse but I will always love you while you learn a healthy way to deal with your faults.

I will always be your rock. I promise to always be your soft voice of reason and love. Even then, I won’t be perfect, but I will always love you more than anything because you are my purpose in life.

Maybe one day, you will do the same for someone else..not because they deserve it, but because you are a good soul and everyone of you are exactly everything I prayed for.

A life of rebuilding

I’ve read my past blogs from the last 4 years. My heart has fell apart and rebuilt so many times. I’m not happy with the life that I have led. I imagined it to be so much more perfect! You see, I am still weak. I’m weak at being a mom. I’m weak at being a wife. I wish there was a happy median to life. I know everyone has regrets, but how are mine so extreme to me?

This blogging is about me getting things off my chest. It’s about being nude and unedited. It’s about being real. Isn’t that what life is about? Being a rare find for someone else that feels the same way? Being light in someone else’s darkness?

Tonight was a third double date for my husband and I with a Mormon couple. (For those following my blog, yes, we are back together. Ask questions later!) Anyhow..this couple is amazing! They have 8 kids and they are still young, beautiful and happy! They are an inspiration! Not perfect, but the best set of people i have met by far!

I forgot where I was saying..

Oh yeah, I have been raw and unedited for this couple. I’ve laid everything out..because what do I have left to lose? I have no friend here!

They are so nonjudgmental and caring since the first day I met them. They make me want to be better. To be more like them. I’m sure that’s high standards that no one should be held to, but they have a beautiful soul!

I want to be more like that. More accepting of everyone and more loving. Putting religion aside, everyone needs to be more like them.

That’s what I will strive for. That’s what we should strive for!

Living on the edge

Last year I was diagnosed with heart failure. My fingers get numb at the typing because saying it is devastating. They say it’s because of too many births. I’ve had the highs and lows of the repercussions of pregnancies. This is one I could not fathom.

They sat me down and told me the high probability of a transplant at the end of this birth. Because I was only 13 weeks along, I can proceed with abortion without any consequences for my heart. It was never a option for me to abort a child. I’m hoping he makes it until the end.

For each visit following, the news was great. I was on top of the world at every good report I received from the heart failure team. Until recently, everything changed. It’s starting to fail again.

To be honest, I’m not ready to lose my kids. I want to see them grow. I want to see my grandkids. Everything I have is for them. I have a good life. I have my kids and I have my babies I take care of. All 15 of them are my world. I live for nothing else.

Blogs are suppose to be about happy endings and advise..but this is isn’t one of them. This is about passion. This is about venting. This is about fear.

I’m 30. I have 6 kids. I am a second (or third mom) to 9. This is who I am. I may not live until I’m 50 or 60, but I hope to leave a passion in each one of these kids. As for me, I will find peace in knowing that each day counts as another for the books!

Good riddance

His bags are packed and he has left but his voice I still hear. His words of conviction. Statements that I loved and despised. I’m not sure it’s possible to forget 13 years of beauty and hell.

The beauty was real. The kids we made. The times of laughter. The late night dates. There were great times. Times that I will always remember. Those special times appear when I’m doing the most random things. Those are the times that I crack a smile and a few tears of joy. Those are the times that I know that 13 years weren’t waisted.

The hell was real too. We hurt each other in more ways that I can count. There’s no way I can fix the wife I was, as there is no ways he can fix the damage he has done. I also bear random tears of anger and fear. Fear of being alone forever. Fear of his words to never stop ringing in my head. Fear of never knowing what it will feel like to be enough. Not just for myself, but for my kids too. These 13 years have also ruined me. I’m not sure where I will start healing, or if I ever will.

I have 6 kids. I am strong but scared. I’m not sure how I will heal but I am looking forward to the journey. Cheers to the next 13 years!

The person we see everyday and don’t know

I sit here and watch him. This man that I’ve known for many years. I can catch a glimpse sometime of the man that I don’t get to see every day. The man I see every day is haggard. He is stressed and worried with all that life brings. He is grumpy and very insensitive. But in this moment, he is happy and patient. He is loving. He is more attractive than ever when he is happy. I think marriage some time is the hardest because life makes it so hard. It’s hard because it brings nothing good in us. I don’t get to see this character often. I like it. 

I was once told that I I turned in to someone else over the last 10 years. I would have to say that is true but I could say the same for him. We all could. 

They say the key to happiness is communication. I don’t think that is true. I think it’s important catch the glimpses that we don’t choose to see. The glimpse of the person that you married is actually still there. They are just dragged down by everything that life has thrown at them. I believe the key is to try to catch the glimpses through the bad times. This is when we see hope. This is when we see love. 

Have we TRULY been a good parent?

Imagine a child that you’re close to that isn’t your own. A child that you love and admire their growth. Imagine in monthly increments, how have they grown in the past 6 months? I bet you smile and say, that’s beautiful! It’s easy to see how fast they grow when they don’t demand everything from you and there can be some appreciation for their little phases..they go through too many. Now, think of your own child/children. It’s not as beautiful, isn’t it? I find myself always wanting my kids to hit the next stage of maturity. It’s truly a complicated dilemma. I think it’s a demanding job as a parent. We are drained. We just want peace. “I want this”, “I want that”, “is it time to eat”, “I don’t want to sleep!”. Sometimes, When the day is done, I think to myself, I need peace! I need quiet! 

You see, I babysit. 6 different little lives that demand my attention only a fraction of what they demand of their Mom and Dad. I love comparing pictures and videos of their monthly growth. I love thinking of their emotional and physical growth. One of my boys that I started watching when he was one just hit his terrible twos. I smile because I know this will pass. I smile because I know this is when he learns just how to handle his frustrations and anxiety. You see, the terrible twos, three teens, and “God help me fours” is just stepping stones to learn to act as they grow. It’s so much easier to appreciate when you’re only there a fraction of the time. I don’t appreciate my kid’s stages so much. I should. After all, they are my kids. 

  The world demands so much of us, we put our kids first for all their needs..except one. Emotional. I find it’s easy to raise a child. You feed them, put them to bed, work to give them the life we didn’t have, and tell them how they should act. I believe the hardest part is to be emotionally available for our kids. Even though it’s not the New Year yet, this is my resolution. Be emotionally available to my kids. 

My husband once told me “I don’t like you right now, but I will chose to love you.” This holds true for our kids too. Even when our kids demand everything from us, we need to chose to love them through their awful stages. A bible scripture gives us a definition of what love is. It’s spot on too!

Love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Did we chose to love today? 

I’m watching you Momma

Just when I think I can escape for a cup of coffee outside, I hear a small tap behind me. Her hazel eyes staring back at me with a beautiful smile. I beg her. Please go inside. I have served your breakfast. Your coffee is warm and waiting on you. Her reply is “I just want to watch you Momma”.  She patiently stares at me. Every sip I take. I sigh, because I know I won’t enjoy this cup of coffee in silence. 

 I see you watching me. You watch everything I do. I see the way you sigh like I do. The eye roll. The sarcastic expressions. I see the way you look at babies. I see your heart is pure. I see every part of me, the good and bad, in you. 

 Please don’t watch me too closely though. Sometimes I am a mess. Sometimes I lose my patience. Sometimes I want to be the best mommy I can to you and your sisters. I realize that I will look back one day and know that I should have done somethings different. Please forgive me for not always painting your nails every time you ask. Please forgive me for forgetting to read the book, as promised. Please forgive me for getting upset with you for shredding one page of a very important book into 1,000,000,000 tiny confetti papers all over my back seat. Lastly, please forgive me for telling you how a princess should act and not being a perfect queen.

 You see, I’ve always told you three girls that you will be a queen someday. I left out an important detail. No queen is perfect. They hold their head high. They smile when faced with fear and know within themselves, their strength is enough. A queen will continue to fight everyday to be a better queen. To be stronger. To be braver. To love deeper. 

 So when you watch me, I pray that’s what you remember the most. 

A Commitment That I can’t give up

I forgot the exact place of commitment. I was very young. I was alone. I made a promise to myself that I would save the world. Every small child. Naïve, I was, but my dreams were big. Of course I wanted kids of my own, but I would adopt every child that I could take care of. I would save every child from feeling alone or scared.  I stand now with 5 children. Only one is adopted. Our lives don’t stop. It never does. Our days are long. They are filled with tantrums, ups and downs, and very little time to ever sit down. I see our chaotic lives and I anticipate the next time I can just sit in the bath tub without the awful guilt of not letting the girls in. They love being by me. I wait for the time that I can grocery shop without having kids throwing anything unhealthy and stuff that’s not on budget into the basket. As we speak, I am writing this blog, while rocking a baby and having my 4 year olds crying because church is tomorrow morning and not right now. This fit will last awhile. 

I read blogs and do and don’t lists online every chance I get. I try to understand how I should parent for whatever stage the kids are going through. To be quite honest, I suck at this. I study. I study hard. No one could have prepared me for this test of sanity that I receive. Even with the test, I won’t lose site of my goal. I will save every child I can. 

Over the past 10 years, we have raised 18 children. 13 have come and gone. There’s so much self satisfaction that has come from this. It’s almost selfish. I am proud of the number of lives that we impacted. I want to make that number grow. Some days, I feel exhausted though. I feel like I am drowning. Maybe this is just a stage. I am sure I can learn to balance my own needs with my own kids and this “dream”. I want to tie the tubes. I want to put a halt to foster care. There’s a big part of me that dies considering that commitment. 
6 months ago, we lost our son. He was going to take our last name. He was a big brother. He was our oldest son’s best friend. They were a team. I haven’t spoke about his disappearance from our lives. I close my eyes and I can see him here. I can see him running. I can see him asking for another family game night. I see his bike still in our garage. I see his old baseball cap every time I go in his old room. Words can’t describe how much I miss him. Words can’t describe how much I hated making the decision for him to leave. Nothing on google, reassurance from family, or foster care class could have prepared me to make such a decision. I don’t see the guilt ever leaving. I see him in my dreams. I look at our family and I see him..but he’s not here. A huge part of me is scared if we continue foster care, we will have to make another decision for a removal. That kills me. 

I have faith that I have the right dream. I have faith that one day I will see why this vision can’t go away. I can’t see the big plan. Worn, tired, and weary, we will keep strengthening each other. We will keep growing and be the Lara’s.